Ormonde Jayne "Ta'if"

First, an apology.

My dear fellow passengers on the top deck: I am so, so sorry. I only darted into Selfridge's briefly after dinner. But then the perfume lady zapped me with "Vera Wang" before handing me a sample of the Men's version. And then another lady hit me with Stella McCartney's "Stella". And then I put Serge Lutens "Blond" on voluntarily (mistake) and then scored my second sample by allowing myself to get spritzed with "Burberry Weekend". But the truly appalling final act was mine, oh buspeople. Because I was the idiot who, completely of my own volition, picked up a tester of "Angel" and put it on the back of my Vera Wang'd right wrist.

Why I didn't realise that this is like putting a sleeping fairy and a soaked gremlin in a small room and then walking away, I don't know. Because the VW slumbered on prettily until the Angel crawled right around my wrist, smothered it, and then began an attempt on the life of the man sitting next to me. I tried to muffle the Angel against my jeans, but it only came back stronger. And you buspeople were very nice not to chide me publicly for smelling like a chemical weapon of mass destruction, though I suspect it was because some of you saw the samples in my hand and feared Angelic retribution. So... sorry.

Love, Lizzie


That done with, it's "Ta'if" time. Honestly, this was repellant first on -- horrible and musty and evil. It took a good 15 minutes for it to die down a bit, at which point the mustiness settled into a very heavy, dry spiciness mixed with roses and other flowers. It made me think of clouds and dusk, something muddled and swirling and dense, but at the same time not strong. And then at the end my old nemesis powder made an understated cameo. There was something alluring about "Ta'if", sly and slightly unpredictable, which I found attractive. I'm just unsure that I can ride out the musty opening and the powdery finish enough to enjoy it.

Verdict: Subtle and smoky at the same time, it's nice at the midpoint, but the start and finishing notes are killing me. (Though not as badly as "Angel", frankly -- I may never run this one as a true test, I feel ill.)

Ormonde Jayne "Ormonde Woman"

Okay. Upon first application, this is a major hit of herbs, which was not the most pleasant impression. But I'm willing to shrug that off as personal bias, completely related to a summer job working under a tyrannical florist who made me weed dill beds for hours at a time, so much so that the smell of dill now makes me ill. Luckily, this died down (the scent, at least -- the horrible, scarring florist memories remain).

Sandalwood, cedary, spicy, and apparently involving black hemlock, which is the selling point of this perfume in the literature. I have no idea what hemlock smells like, though I'm sure Socrates could give me some pointers, but it made me think of truffles. Have I ever eaten/smelled a truffle? No. But there you go. This one's got a powdery smell to it as well, but softly, and really very subtle -- nothing like the kablooey of talc that others have.

It ended up smelling like a wooden box that stored expensive incense at some point. I thought it was rather nice -- something you might want to wear on a summer night out, but with kohl rimming your eyes and wearing something sultry and sexy. I caught a bit of cinnamon and spice off it, like a marketplace in somewhere like Turkey. There's also something clear and minty in it, but comes off as "fresh" rather than "chewing gum".

I wore this into the office on a weekend, and as my coworker Siborg was in and subjecting me to bloody cricket, I in turn made him critique the perfume. His reaction, in short: "It smells like an auntie".

Mmmmm. I get what he's saying. It is a mature scent that will age you, which is why I'd never wear it every day. The problem is, other women WOULD wear it every day, and those women would be older women wearing Hermes scarves. We tried a second test a few hours after the first reaction, and sadly, the auntieness remained. I think it's also got something to do with the powder scent, which gets stronger as the day goes on.

I like this one better than the Malone "Vintage Gardenia" version, but I'm going to have to reluctantly side with Siborg; I'm 25. Unless you dress yourself up and make sure to eradicate all association with an older woman, you're going to end up reminding your date of his lovely auntie June. And if he still wants to ravage you after that -- well, you've got more pressing problems than perfume selection.

(I did pay for this critique, by the way. Before this weekend, I was deliciously oblivious when it came to cricket. Now I know that there is such a thing as a "golden duck", that there's a position called "silly mid off", and when the entire crowd cheers and holds up signs with the number 6 on them, which momentarily makes it look like a Satanic gathering, it actually just means that someone's scored outside of the boundaries and earned six runs. But I also got to hear such illuminating commentary as "He must be glad to get his hands around some balls. Finally be able to really get a hold on them!")

Verdict: Too close to call; occasionally might work as a summer evening scent when carefully orchastrated with wardrobe and makeup, but will age you in the daytime and make men think of their aunts. Not advantageous.

Ormonde Jayne "Sampaquita"

Apparently there's citrus in this one, and for once? I can wear it!

This one is lovely and light and airy, but tethered enough at the base to make me not smell like a bridesmaid at a tacky wedding. Fabulously, each floral scent (and though I can't identify them, the literature notes magnolia, freesia, rose and water lily) comes together in a beautiful, musky way that is entirely entrancing. There's also bergamot perfectly played, emerging rarely like a breath of fresh air -- not a fizzy Fanta in sight. I hadn't read the description of this tester before trying it, and so found myself peering at coworkers trying to find out which one was eating a satsuma only to realise that those brief, elusive wisps of fragrance were actually coming from me.

I hate lychee nuts with an absolute passion, but apparently there are some of those in the mix as well. Maybe that's what's mellowing all of the floral and citrus stuff? I did catch the water lily a couple of times at the start, I think, which was a really pretty addition. There's also the tiniest spiciness, but it's just a hint.

This is noted as a summer scent, and I think I can see why -- it's like walking through an ornate English garden in the late afternoon, when all of the flowers are beginning to cool and the ornamental ponds are fragrant and the trees causing the breeze to eddy all the scents around you, and somewhere just out of sight someone is eating an orange. Just that sort of lazy, hazy, perfect summer day. I would certainly make this edp a top pick, and am delighted to have found a perfume that tames the citrus enough to agree with my skin.

Verdict: Were it a painting, it'd be a Monet, and that's exactly the sort of summer day that will see me wearing it. Delicious.

Ormonde Jayne "Tolu"

This goes on strong and a little bit alarming, but swiftly dies down to a nice, pleasant scent. Nothing special on me, though it has lasted absolutely ages. Warm and sweet but not at all sugary, it's a mature floral powder that doesn't get too girly or too grannish. Unfortunately is does get a shade mumsy, which is why I won't be making this a staple in my mid-20s. Maybe in another couple of decades when I'm looking for a clean, mature talc.

Verdict: Long-lasting powder with underlying florals, but not young enough for me.