Elizabeth Arden "Provocative Interlude"

I just cannot win with the EA scents.

This was my first day of doing a perfume hall drive-by, so there are a few things I need to get used to. For one, I forgot one very key element of saleswomen, which is that they are trained to reel off the notes and influences in a fragrance as though they've memorised the press release (which they probably have). So when I sidled up to the giant poster of Catherina Zeta Jones and picked up the bottle, ready to spray and flee, I was totally blindsided by the woman who instantly materialised out of nowhere and told me it was a "floral gourmand with white chocolate, berries..." and a bunch of other stuff that I honestly don't remember. She was extremely fast.

I'm going to try to screen out any of that, but given the fact that I smelled apples in JLo's "Live" when I still thought it was "Be Delicious" (thanks, Frederik!), I can clearly be influenced.

But back to "Provocative Interlude". It went on sharply, though I can't give a great analysis of the first 5 minutes, given how much of that was spent fending off the vendor and not being able to scribble down notes. As soon as I got a chance to get a better sniff, I was disappointed to find out that there seems to be a nasty, fermented streak running through this EA that reminds me very much of the other EAs I've tried. I think I get the white chocolate that was mentioned, but boy, it is weird. I also picked up citrus, berry and floral, mixed in an unsettling way that made me think of a lime-infused chunk of white chocolate covered in thick pollen, sprinkled with dry cranberry skins. It made me think of how nice this could have been if it was, say, a Terry's white chocolate orange with raspberries and a sprig of freesia. It is not.

An hour later, it died down to something less offensive, but still with that musky, hot-mess quality that just drives me insane. I can only guess that this element is something that smells fabulous on some women, and those women are the ones buying EA perfumes.

Verdict: Weird and musky and bleh, the rogue Elizabeth Arden fermentation element strikes again.

Elizabeth Arden "5th Avenue After 5"

Ever wonder what Catherine Zeta-Jones smells like? Well, according to the ad campaign, she smells like "5th Avenue After 5". So, in order, like this: a grape out of a tinned fruit cup; dusty fruit; half-hearted cheeriness; the dregs of mixed juice left in the bottom of said fruit cup once it's been eaten; mustiness; a touch of compact powder.

How do you even create the smell of "dusty fruit"?! By adding coriander and saffron to the mix, if I'm reading these notes right. From what I can see they've tried to make a Middle Eastern-themed perfume, but while also trying to keep it young and cosmopolitan. Which is exactly what's ended up happening -- this is a woman who lives in the Middle East, eats Middle Eastern food, has all of those fragrances naturally embedded in her skin -- and now she's inexplicably splashed on a blend of citrus and honeysuckle-brightness and chosen a Mary Kay powderpuff over her black kohl. Oh, and don't forget the musk. Totally incongruous! I wouldn't be surprised to find a note of "kitchen sink" in this thing.

Verdict: This isn't a confident city girl; this is a deeply conflicted woman trying to be something she's not. No wonder Zeta-Jones looks so dead-eyed in the print ads.